I always feel like I have to cut people off to find myself. I don’t know how true that is but I know I’ve been able to hear my own voice a bit more since my sister has been away. I know that I’m no longer the person she left at the bus station six months ago. The person who had been too embarrassed to beg her to stay. The person who had done everything to convince herself that her decision to leave our dysfunctional home, leave me alone in our dysfunctional home is not entirely selfish. The person who had felt guilty for being selfish for wanting her to stay.
Now, I don’t care anymore. She could stay where she is and I wouldn’t care but she’s coming in two weeks and a small part of me wishes that she wouldn’t. A part of me likes the person I have become: a selfish customer who doesn’t care anybody but herself. My sister threatens that. She’s the only family member, the only person really whose validation and lowkey approval I have ever really cared about. And I hate how wrapped up in her life I get when she’s around.
She has a new side quest she want to try, well I’m here to be her number one supporter. The number helper.
I’ll literally push aside my own living to be there to help. I was able to reflect on this pattern, recognize it since she’s been away.
I’m tired of being the sidekick, the spare, the second. I want to be untangled: do my own things, not unconsciously go back to being the follower.
Anyway…yeah…untangled…bye.