What's up my good people! Or bad people or non-people.
Whatever, what's up! What's popping! What are you up to? Have you eaten? Will you eat? Make sure you eat.
Anywayyyyy, today is a special day… it's Sunday but more importantly, it's in cursive letters day and like every in cursive letters day, I get to yap about my most recent obsession.
This week's obsession is a movie (series) that I have been watching. You see guys. Guys, guys, guys. I've really been trying to do an in cursive letters about a book. I have been desperately trying to read a bit, been desperately trying to get hooked by words but it has not worked so far.
Anytime I pick up a book to read, I get reminded that I should quit being lazy and write so I've just avoided that, just like I avoided my third year Biochemistry pdf and earned my first (and only) F so…
Anyway, back to the matter at hand. My recent obsession. I'll give you guys hints, let's see if you can guess it.
Ready?
Okay let's go!
It's a show shot in a very controlled environment.
They do a lot of flashback.
You learn to trust no one while simultaneously leaning on everyone.
Did you get it?
Ladies and gentlethems, I'm talking about the iconic ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK! *fireworks* *fireworks* *lights* *shouts* *kablam!*
Guys orange is the new black is everything! I have been watching for a week now. I'm in season two (I know, slow watcher, whatever!). I'm obsessed!
Okay let's start with a littleINTRO so I don't sound like a raving lunatic.
So “Orange is the new black” is a prison show that follows the lives of inmates in a female prison (Litchfield). There's of course the whole prison hierarchy but honestly, it's not as bad as I thought (probably because this is fiction).
You quickly learn the do's and don'ts of prison life.
Do's:
Butter everybody up for your own benefit.
Always have something to trade
Form useful alliances
Don't make enemies
Be manipulative but don't get caught
Always look out for yourself ‘cos people will fuck you over if it benefits them.
Always have commissary money.
Be adaptable. Know how to make slippers out of tissue paper.
Don'ts:
DON'T fall in love!
DON'T trust anyone!
NEVER insult the cook's food. As far as you're concerned, is is the best you've ever tasted!
DON'T annoy the religion fanatic. Just don't do it!
DON'T ever appear weak!
And do not go to SHU.
After reading this, I'd like to inform you that you're ready for prison. Congratulations…but first let me get you up to speed with the people in this prison (movie). We'll go in pairs to both speed this process up a bit and also because these people's stories intercepts in way that cannot really be separated.
The first pair We'll be looking at is…dun! Dun! Dun!
CHAPMAN AND VAUSE
Okay, so first of all, this entire movie centers around Piper Chapman (and by extension Alex Vause). Piper is in jail…sorry prison (they are different. Just found that out). Piper is in prison because of her drug dealer ex-girlfriend Alex Vause.
A quick on for Alex. We cannot move forward without me talking about how hot Alex is! I mean the glasses! C'mon! But she's not really a good person but again is anybody truly a good person?
Sorry, this is just me having an argument with my moral compass to decide if Alex is crushable.
Anyway, Alex and Chapman dated in college. They broke up for about seven years. Piper goes on to date this dude Larry who she later gets engaged to only to find out that Alex had named her in the trial for a drug circle investigation.
Piper goes to prison. Alex goes to present. They find each other again there andddd that's pretty much the premise of the show.
With Chapman and Vause, it's easy to see that they are wrong for each other but do I care? No! I'm here for their steamy-will they-won't they situationship.
I mean, I actually thought I was wrong and they were indeed meant for each other but then stupid Alex fucked Piper over to get out of prison but yet again, Piper should have known better! Alex is a bitch…but we love that bitch.
Anyway, Next!
NIKKY AND MORELLO
Oh my god! When I say Morello (Lorna) is the most delulu person I have ever seen on TV and in real life and probably in eternity…I'm not even joking!
So she has this boyfriend, Christopher, who she's convinced is going to marry her even though he had broken up with her multiple times before prison. Even though he dragged her to court for basically endangering his life and threatening the live of his new girlfriend.
Nothing can ever separate Morello from Christopher, not even Christopher himself. It's really bad.
Anyway, Lorna (Morello) is the designated prison driver. She has this bug van, and it is her duty to bring new prisoners in after their documentation. She drives sick inmates to the hospital, etc. etc.
So my theory is…since she pretty much drives everywhere (sometimes unsupervised) can't she…yunno…drive away?
Can't she just escape with the van and start a food truck business someplace else?
I dunno. Just a thought.
Anyway, Beside Morello, there's usually Nikky.
Nikky is a masc lesbian with sorta shaggy hair. She's super cool. I kinda like Nikky.
Anyway, it's Nikky and Morello but yet again it's Morello and Christopher so they cannot truly be Nikky and Morello so… Next!
Guys let's my favorite ship of this movie! It's not even a ship yet. It might never be a ship but…guys I want this to happen so bad! I want a TASTYEE and POUSSEY ship so bad!
I'm still in season two so maybe this happens eventually? Does it happen eventually? Tell me if it happens eventually! No don't tell me. Wait tell me. No don't! Don't!
Guys Poussey and Tastyee's friendship is soooo cute. I like how they are always there for each other. I'm a sucker for a “platonic friendship but one of them has a crush” kind of ship. I don't even care if it end up as a situationship (no I don't want it to be that) but please! Something! Anything! ANYTHING!
DAYA and BENNETT
So Bennett is a cop…correctional officer (Ooh scandalous) and Dayanara (Daya. I know her full name ‘cos I like her full name. It sounds like some sort of beautiful rare flower). Anyway, Daya likes Bennett and Bennett likes Daya but Daya and Bennett can obviously not be together because Hello, cop and inmate, unbalanced power dynamics.
Shit got real when Daya get pregnant and they had to find a way for her to keep it while also keeping Bennett out of jail for I think rape (because cops should obviously not be having intimate relations with the inmates) and Daya out of SHU.
SHU is the isolation area that nobody wants to be sent to. SHU is scary! There are voices of people screaming. The food is uneatable. You start to hallucinate. Nobody who goes to SHU comes back the same way they left.
Nobody goes to SHU and comes back sane. So SHU…yeah you want to avoid that. I should have added that to the don't list. Hold on lemme do that now.
Anyway, they protect Bennett by getting that annoying officer (god I hate him so much!) Mendez to sleep with Daya and then they frame him for rape.
The plan was for the rape thing to happen and then Daya will be granted Furlough (sorta like permission to go back home for a little bit) and then when she gets back and starts showing, it will be said that she got pregnant by someone outside during her Furlough and Bennett will be safe and she will not have to go to SHU.
It did not work out that way. Mendez was given unpaid leave as punishment. Daya never got granted Furlough and they don't still know she's pregnant.
So yeah… let's talk about that prick MENDEZ a.k.a “PORNSTACHE”
Pornstache is the absolute worst! Imagine an annoying little brother who comes into your room, switches on your light but worse. This idiot will just walk into red's kitchen, throw the container of limited food supply for absolutely no reason!
Once he peed in the Thanksgiving gravy!
He was a terror. I was so happy when they framed him.
The worse thing Mendez did was the whole TRICIA thing.
So Tricia was an inmate. She was so cute with her love story with Mercy and how she used to write down everything she “took” stole so she could payback when she got rich.
Tricia had drug issues. Red thought she was already clean but it was apparent someone *cough cough* pornstache has been supplying her drugs in prison.
Red made her come clean to the officials because she thought it would force her to finally stop using. Tricia confessed and was sent to SHU.
When she returned, she was so happy because she was finally not using. She hadn't used for a while then came that stupid Martinez.
Martinez found a way to sneak drugs into red's kitchen then he made Tricia his drug mule (drug seller) to pay up the debt she had racked from years of using.
Tricia OD'd. To cover up his tracks, Martinez made it seem like she had committed suicide.
Tricia's death was the saddest thing ever. I really really hate Martinez! And it's how he carried on and even made jokes about her death!
Apart Martinez and Tricia and the rest of them, there was also RED, MR. HEALY, BURSET, DOGGET (that…!), ALEIDA and some other characters that we will not be talking about.
Let's start with DOGGETT. Pennsatucky Doggett. Ahhhh! Scaryyyy! Run! Scaryyy!
Doggett. How do I even start to describe her. I will not say she's a bad person or a good person or a person even.
In Doggett's mind she's an angel. An angel sent by god himself to bring vengeance on all those who do not believe.
She's god's number one soldier. His chief of army. His right hand woman. You cannot tell Doggett otherwise, she believes all of this and more. She will go to war for god! godforbid you are at the other side of her sword.
She really tortured Alex and piper but thank goodness they got back at her. My girl ended up at the psych ward.
RED
Red should have been the first person I talked about. She is…was the queen bee of prison. If you fuck with red, you starve. That was how the game went until she was usurped and then…chaos.
MR HEALY
Mr. Healy hates the lesbian activities. He tried to save Piper from the lesbian activities and when she did not listen, he turned a blind eye when Doggett literally tried to kill her. Mr. Healy just looked the other way.
Apart from Mr. Healy's hatred for the girlies, his other memorable connection is his Russian wife who really hates him.
BURSET
Sophia Burset is a much more lowkey but very very important character in orange is the new black. She was played by Laverne Cox and she's soooooo gorg!!!
Burset is Litchfield's favorite hairstylist. She's very demure. Just a calm queen.
I like the whole back story about her. It was very emotional watching her grapple with her gender and her kid… I just hope it gets better. I feel like it would, I'm still in season two so there's still time.
For a lowkey character, Burset is quite impactful.
Now let's talk about ALIEDA DIAZ. I am going to tie her whole conversation with her daughter DAYANARA and the new head of the kitchen GLORIA MENDOZA
(Daya and Aleida (her mom))
(Mendoza)
The relationship between Diaz and Daya is very complicated to say the least. That scene at the beginning where Daya gets into prison and is being shown around by Morello and out of nowhere, she gets slapped by Aleida and then Daya goes “hi mom”...ahhhhhhhhh!
Daya and Aleida never had a good relationship. Daya's mom was (from what I have watched so far) always more concerned about her boyfriend than her kids.
Daya pretty much had to raise her siblings and then she ends up in jail (I haven't gotten the backstory about that yet).
At the beginning of getting into prison, Daya gets to meet her mother's prison daughter who she treats better than she had ever treated Daya.
At first, Daya tries to get closer to her mom but is met with a cold wall. However, when she stops trying, after she got pregnant for Bennett, her mother suddenly starts trying to mother her and this is where Mendoza steps in.
Mendoza has always been kind to Daya. Well not always-always but for a little while. She was sorta Daya's mother figure in prison.
When Aleida saw this, I think she got jealous? Because it became a competition between her and Mendoza for who is Daya's true mother. Who is the best at mothering Daya.
I thought it was funny.
Also shout out to the other cast members that I did not really talk about.
Shout out to Suzanne!
She had one of the coolest/ saddest story in the series. She's also the most understanding and loyal plus I really like her unique perspective on things.
Shout out to Larry. The boyfriend.
Shout out to Big boo and her eternal competition with Nikky.
Shout out to all the cast and crew of Orange is the new black.
Phew! I think that's all for the cast, thank goodness!
Now let's move on to my FAVORITE CHARACTER!
My favorite character in orange is the new black has to beeeeeee…
Coco Jones!
I'm kidding. Okay seriously now.
To be honest, I don't have a favorite character. They all did such wonder jobs, it's so hard to pick so I'll just say all of them but maybe Alex (because she's hot) anddd Pousey. I really like Poussey. I think she's the coolest.
FAVORITE SCENES
This is a bit problematic but my all time favorite scene is the one where Daya's mom slaps her and she's like “hi mom”. I'm sorryyyy but that scene is iconic!
I also like the part where Poussey kissed Tastyee and Tastyee was like “this cannot happen. I'm not a…”. That one was a bit emosh but yeah.
RATING TIME!
I'll rate this a 9.5/10 because I am that strict lecturer that refuses to give tens 😌
Thanks for readingggggg,
Till next timeeeee,
Byeeeeeeeeeeeee.